Friday, December 26, 2008
erm, here i am now. at home. finally. after 8 hours in that stupid bus. it's a stupid bus since i have to wait for like almost 3 hours since the bus is so old that it broke down (pebende aku ckp ni).
i don't know why i'm not that thrilled to come home. to make it clear, i'm not happy. and my sister noticed it. well, that's another problem though. maybe it's because i felt guilty to my parents. that i wasn't able to do well in the final exam. i think i flunked this time, you know. seriously. i got so many things that bother me. i even cried like 3 buckets during the night before chemistry paper. it's not really because i was stressed about the subject. well, to be honest i haven't feel so stress when it comes to exam. even though the questions are like DEM tough. but still, i didn't feel stress at all. i got another problems though. which i don't know how to solve it.
to be exact, i actually rely on people too much. i can't make up my mind. it's always other person who decides for me. because i didn't think about myself. i was afraid of other people's opinion. i'm afraid that if i made the decision by myself, then what will happen if i regret? people will start to say, " i told you so". and that's what scares the hell out of me.
i've asked so many people about this matter. i asked kak yani, yana, izzah, well, basically that's all i think. whether i should tell my parents about it or not. i know they noticed it. that there's something bothering me. but as usual, i kept it to myself. i can't even look at their face. i don't know if it's guilt, or feelings of hatred. hatred in this context is not like i hate them. it's something that i want to say to them a long time ago, but somehow i couldn't due to many reasons. that i'm afraid there's gonna be a world war. no. it's actually THE THIRD WORLD WAR. since this matter involves so many people. without they even realize it. and this will seriously affect me. physically and mentally.
the truth is, i'm a coward. i'm scared to tell them what i really feel. what i want. what i hate. why i'm being like this, so unpredictable, so secretive. if only i have enough courage, then probably someday, perhaps, things will change. i hope so, at least.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
i got bio test tomorrow.
but somehow it didn't stop me to post this to my blog since i wanted to let this thing out.
i felt used by this person.
well, this is not my first time actually. i've been used many times. i don't know why it's always me. i used to be just a side kick for this old friend of mine, A. and i felt so awful that i moved out from the school. yep. i was such a loser. to just give up like that.
and then after that, i became the victim again. B pretended to be close with me just because she wanted to be friends with C. since C was quite interested in me. as a friend of course. and then when she got what she wanted, she left me.
and just when i thought it won't happen to me, ah.. there you go. again.
it's the same situation with the B and C case. this makhluk tuhan like, clinging onto me. and then started to draw a line to be apart from me as soon as this makhluk tuhan get what the makhluk tuhan wanted. well, it's not that i'm so desperate to be friend with this makhluk tuhan. but i really don't like it if this makhluk tuhan took me for granted. if u don't want to be my friend then don't do it in the first place. why bother giving me such a fake relationship?
when i think about it again, i guess i get what i deserved. what goes around comes around. am i right, yana?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
any english word will be in italic, bolded.
chentaku forever, bm.
banyak gile nak cakap..
ari tu kan, ari rabu..x de air... siut tol. gempar satu umah. nighmare. trauma tros. huhu. pastu pikir punye pikir kitorunk decide nak gi umah bella. mandi, solat, pape je la yg menggunakan air kt ctu.. bangun pagi2 gile.. x de r pagi ssgt pon. 5.30 je. gi umah dorunk. mase kuar umah, tgk jalan, mak aih seram gile. sunyiiiiii je. takut siut. smpai umah bella cam nak merompak pon ade. except kitorunk merompak gune kunci. hehe. ade free akses. pastu cam tu la seterusnye.. bile nak mandi, nak solat, gi umah die.. agak penat la nak ulang alik smata2 nak gi solat je kan..
pastu..erm.. pe lagi r.. ooo.. minggu ni agak penat sbenarnye.. well, kalo nak ikutkan tiap2 minggu pon penat..ari tu duwet ilang.. agak sedey la.. 50 free2 melayang tah ke mane.. dah le baru wat kuar dari bank.. cam nak nanges je.. (mmg da nanges pon..). pastu disebabkan rase bersalah yang amat, aku kol bapak aku..(kalo sal duwet, mesti kol bapak aku. sal len2, mak aku tmpt mengadu. cam unfair gak r aku wat camtu.. sian die..). utk mengelakkan drpd kene mara, aku wat sore ksian..hehe.. x de r.. mmg aku takut gile dowh mase tu.. sore ikhlas tu.. pastu bapak aku cakap, " x pe r, dah mende tu da ilang, nak wat caner..". huhu, sbb tu la aku kol bapak aku. kalo mak aku, agak laen r nada yg akan kuar..
pastu for the first time minggu ni x de lab report. yeay!! agak pelik gak ar xde keje. rase bebas gile. walopon mnggu depan de exam. o ye, pastu kan, aku suh mak cik aku bli tiket bas balik qlate lepas exam ni. aku suh die bli yg malam punye. senanye aku memang x sker naek bas pagi2, penat gile. lapan jam dowh. nak termuntah rasenye. tp mak aku x kasi. aku x paham senanye nape die x bagi aku naek malam. kalo sbb faktor keselamatan, nape die bagi akak aku naek bas malam? banyak kali lak tu. mak cik aku tanye, mak x mara ke nanti. aku cakap, beli je la. kalo dah beli tiket, die x kan kate pape da kot.. jahat gile kan aku.. sowie mak, x de pilihan da..
pastu lagi berita gumbira. air da ade!!!! orang tu cakap senanye bukan tangki pecah ke ape, ade orang tutup meter air.. kuang asam gile kan sape yang tutup tu.. so sbb tu la air x de, meter x jalan.. siut tul.. tipah tertipu lagi...
pastu pagi tadi umah bella wat reflection kt petrosains. aku cam nak ikut memule tu, bkn nak gi sgt petrosains tu. dah berjuta2 kali kot aku gi. bosan ya amat.aku nak melencong kt len je smentara tunggu derang kt dlm tu. tp yang x bes nye wallet berhabuk r.. fulus tarak.. so terpakse ar batalkan niat jahat nak meramun2 kt sane.. duduk lagi kt cyberia yang langsung x cyber ni..
minggu depan da final.. arap2 aku blajo sungguh2 la.. tanak r asek kene perli ngan orang tue tu je.. hangin satu badan kot.. xde keje lain agaknye.. nak hancurkan idup orang je.. jage tepi kain sndiri x ley ke? nak jugak sebok2 hal orang.. ha.. kang da x pasal2 aku mengumpat kat die ni.. wat dose agi...haizz..
skam tgh duk umah evie.. smata2 nak gune tenet.. tenet kat umah cam pe tah.. asek sewel camtu je.. agak bengang la jugak kadang2 tu.. evie da tdo.. penat agaknyew pas balik petrosains tu.. sowie evie kalo ganggu..huhu..
oo ye de agi.. ha kan aku da cakap banyak mende aku nak cakap kali ni.. tadi kul 6.30 aku kuar gi kdai dpan cyberia tu..de la bli barang cket.. pastu lepak kat park kejap.. cam bese r.. klau de masalah, ctula port aku nak melayan prasaan. aku pg tu tgk de sorang uncle india ni ngah main ngan cucu die kot..kiut gile dak tu.. aku tgk derang hepi gile men buai, pastu men kejar2, nyorok2, ngan aku skali rase hepi. ilang jap masalah aku.. pastu budak tu tetibe brenti dpan aku mase kne kejar ngan atuk die.. die tgk je kat aku. pastu aku pon snyum.. die pon tersengih kelebaran.. haha.. pastu derang blah.. pastu aku gi duk kat buai tu mlayan diri sorang2, pikir tang masalah tu.. smpai kol 7.30 aku pon balik.. sbb nyamuk dah pnoh satu badan dah..
tadi sblom dtg umah evie aku study chem.. organic compound.. pastu tetibe rase cam banyak gile tak paham.. tu la.. sblom ni miss ngajar aku mngelamun.. skam kan da x paham..haih..
skam da kul 11.30 dan aku ngah pikir nak tdo cni ke xnak..hurm..
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A MUST-WATCH MOVIE EVER.
'Twilight' is an action-packed, modern-day love story between a teenage girl and a vampire. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has always been a little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother re-marries and sends Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks, Washington, she doesn't expect much of anything to change. Then she meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a boy unlike any she's ever met. Edward is a vampire, but he doesn't have fangs and his family is unique in that they choose not to drink human blood. Intelligent and witty, Edward sees straight into Bella's soul. Soon, they are swept up in a passionate, thrilling and unorthodox romance. To Edward, Bella is what he has waited 90 years for -- a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. But what will Edward and Bella do when a clan of new vampires -- James (Cam Gigandet), Laurent (Edi Gathegi) and Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) -- come to town and threaten to disrupt their way of life?
Saturday, December 6, 2008
if only she knew
why i don't want to go there
why i felt so uncomfortable living in there
i'm suffocating, hardly breathe
not because of their tiny house
but the creatures in there
seems to threaten me
haunting me every single moment
every blink of eyes
every steps that i took
if only she knew
i'm not that strong
i'm not that patient
i'm not that kind
and i'm not that stupid
to just take in what they said
what they forced me to do
if only she knew
the struggling that i've been through
every tears that i've shed
every grudge and hatred that i kept
every feelings that i held
if only she knew
that my life had been miserable
since i was 7
barely knew how to read
how to think
and yet their selfishness
by toying people's heart
controlling people's mind
ruling people's life
is blinded by the terms of having
the same blood
if only she knew
that whenever she worries about me
i felt i was so not independent
and so tired
i'm not that cruel to
not appreciate her feelings
but somehow she needs to
slowly let go of me
if only she knew
that i need to fly by myself
to do my own decision
and to search for something
that will create a better life for me
as i was tired of living under their shadows
blocking every single decision that i made
if only she knew
that i hate them so much
so much that i want to spill it all
what i've felt since 10 years ago
if only she knew
why i'm being like this
then my life would be much better
but that's only
if only she knew
Friday, December 5, 2008
can't help it. even though i got 2 quizzes tomorrow, i can't help but to spent even 1 minute in front of this laptop just to say...
" THE KILLERS " KILLED EM OL.
who thought that we did it so much better, though we've been having so many difficulties : lack of sleep, not enough practice, last minute changes, audio system problem, technical errors, forgetting scripts, etc. etc. thank you so much GOD for blessing us. everyone did a very good job. for the first time, i've never felt so relief after any performances that i've involved.
I LOVE MY CLASSMATES.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
can't sleep lor. it's oredy 1:17 am n i shud be lying on my bed rite now. tomorrow's da big day. NO. TODAY is the big day. we're gonna have our drama : THE KILLERS. god, i just hope things work out well, let it flows smoothly. this is our hard work, we've been through a lot, and i just hope what will comes out tomorrow is worth of our time. ow yeap, probably i'm going to have math quiz today. n look at wut i'm doing rite now..eish..bile la ko nak brubah ea??
i'm not going back this raya haji. waa~miss ma home oredy.. there's not much time till final exam. i have to work hard for it. i dun wanna be NATO-No Action, Talk Only. arap2 nanti tak jadik warm2 chicken's shit (hangat2 tahi ayam). haha.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
just talked to yana. almost cried. spilling it ol out. kept telling myself dun regret, dun regret. then wut's this uneasy feeling? i know i can't juz walk away. i take responsibility for wut i've done. in the end, i become such a coward. afraid to face the truth. to see wut kind of future awaits me. i blame every single person in my life. and i just can't forgive myself for having this kind of feelings that i knew i'm going to have it one of these days. she said "wa, why u didn't take TESL with me r? i know it's gonna be lotsa fun. YOU are going to have lotsa fun." well yana, how can u say that? please dun make me feel more terrible than ever. i dun want to regret. not again. this is what i decide for my life. whether i really want it or not, like it or not, that's not the point. god, gimme the courage to fight this.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
pretending like they're all that,
being an ANGEL in front of others,
but the truth is they are just like anybody else.
this is why i hate GOOD people.
cuz they are so fake,
so fake like u wanna smack their stupid oh-i'm-a-good-girl face.
....TO HELL WITH IT.
this is why i prefer BAD people.
cuz they are already bad, people knows it,
so they don't have to pretend anymore.
....also TO HELL WITH IT.
in the end, i just don't have anybody to trust anymore.
these people are so DEM selfish.
and why am i not surprised?
Saturday, November 22, 2008
i used to express my feelings through poems and sketches. well, but not most of them came from what i really feel.like bella said, "tambah lauk je.." XD
i felt so terrible at that moment. i just moved into the school, and i dunno what happened. all of em started to tease me, or should i say bully me, but not physically of course. and it's all because of a misunderstanding.
i was quite 'emo' at that time. trying to find myself lost in sumwhere. when i think about it again, i felt it was kinda funny for me to draw somethin like this. saiyyaku da ne~
this one came from when i felt that i didn't fit in to this community. like i was not welcomed with warm hands. and oso when i had my stupid-low-self-esteem thingy. like a lil snail in a shell. no. turtle is better. yeap, like a lil turtle in a shell.
this is my first drawing. actually, i didn't mean to take this seriously. i was at the library at that moment. then i got bored, reached out a paper and drew a girl. then my hands just scribbled the words next to the girl. the first line is actually a piece of lyrics from a song that i oredy forgot. then i continued from there, expressing myself a bit. and starting from this drawing, i'd been labelled as an 'emo' girl, just because i wrote 'I AM EMO' at the bottom. huh~great.
i drew this one when i was having an examination. probably chemistry paper. then i finished early, not because i knew ol of d answer. i just dunno what to write anymore. lol. then i put my hand on the paper, drew the line along the shape of my hand. i didn't even know why i wrote 'I DON'T LOVE YOU'. probably because i was crazy about MCR at that moment. and i added some words, some came from my heart, some of it i got from the lyrics. and this drawing is my favorite.
however, i still want to say that I AM NOT EMO. and i don't wanna be emo. screwed emo. to hell with emo. "EMO IS GAY", nana said. emo is pathetic. emo is.... alien. haha.
Friday, November 21, 2008
people say, i'm expressionless.
i say, maybe. sometimes. but not always.
people say, i hate men.
i say, i used to.
people say, i'm anti-social.
i say, yes, if there's adam hanging around.
people say, i'm hot-tempered.
i say, only if the situation asked for it.
people say, i'm mysterious.
i say, that's if u don't know me well.
people say, i have a lot of secrets.
i say, secrets keep me secure.
people say, i like weird stuff.
i say, it's weird for u because u don't explore the life.
people say, i'm heartless.
i say, u're half-wrong, half-correct.
people say, i don't smile a lot.
i say, i don't want to put on a fake one.
people say, i'm a fake.
i say, do i look like i care?
people say, i always feel regret.
i say, yes. and that feelings boost me to another level.
people say, i don't have a man in my life.
i say, i have two. MY FATHER. MY LATE-BROTHER.
people say, i'm stubborn.
i say, that's one thing i can't change about me.
people say, i always keep everything to myself.
i say, because i don't trust anybody.
people say, i'm pathetic.
i say, thank u very much.
Monday, November 17, 2008
as usual, another fantastic live from ACID BLACK CHERRY.
haizz.. i wish i knew the title of this song.. :((
prologue end. although i dunno what it's about, but it's definitely a touching performance.
fuyuu no maboroshi. yaah~almost cried on this one.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
i was there. on the sports day. pretty unbelievable for those who know me well. but this time around was not like the previous one. we started with jogathon. dem exhausting but hey, at least i got points right? then we had football and futsal matches. it was kinda boring coz it seems that everybody lacked of team spirit. and again, my team lost. i felt like it's a karma. like i brought the bad luck to every sports house that i was in. (dunno if my sentence is correct or not) but we did have fun, with bella singing hindustani songs. haha.
Friday, November 14, 2008
after bio class today, i stayed back at foundy. the real reason was to finish my lab report. so when i started typing the procedure, syafiqah came over and asked about ACID BLACK CHERRY. for those who know me, surely they know what i'll do next. hehe.
when it came to ABC, i went crazy like i've just been injected with this hyperactive virus. then we ended up talking about it, laughing about the 'gay'ness of the visual keis, hypnotized by the awesomeness of yasu's voice as well as his kawaii yet ridiculously kakkoi face, fantasizing on how hot tora from alice nine is, etc. etc. etc.
and then we moved on to anime's topic. like, how gorgeous vampire knight's main character is, whether i should watch xxxholic or not, bla bla bla. i can talk anything about japan, especially their music, dramas, animes as well as fashion 25 hours nonstop. yeap, see how crazy i am when it comes to things that i like. well, like hachiko from nana said, suki tte! and i felt so happy talking to her, after so long not having the feelings.
just now we had a gotong-royong. phew, that was dem exhausting. and now here i am in front of this screen thinking of what should i do next, since i don't have the mood to do my lab report, as well as revising for biology. plus i'm getting worried about tomorrow's event, afraid the so-called history is going to be repeated again.
me, farah and aufa went to bella's house just now. hihi. she's hilarious. we gossipped, ate jambu, drank milo made by evie, watched bella moves in video (again!haizz..) and i copied 'the hills have eyes' from bella's laptop. huhu dunno when will i have time for that.
the truth is : i'm extremely bored.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
the drama thingy, i don't think i can do it.
it's just not fit for me.
but will they listen to me if i tell them about it?
i don't think so.
they probably will hate me, talk about it behind my back.
and it's normal for girls.
whether you're their friend or not.
god, how i hate this uneasy feeling.
p/s : if u don't like reading my blog since all i did was nagging, complaining, and criticizing, then back off. cause i don't need u.
and snackhouse is getting annoying day by day.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
this week is soooo not myself. dunno why. perhaps because of the menstruation thingy. or maybe my mind is sooo messed up lately. n probably because i'm worried about 'the killers', u know, since i need to memorize the script. and i'm not good with de whole memorizing thingy. me having dis kind of feeling, urm, like afraid i'll screw up everything. n wit dis people acting so weird around me. i wonder if it's just me or they did acting so...erm...impossible. n now i dunno what i'm blabbering about.supposedly i'm reading bio slide, with da krebby cycle thing, bread making, ol dis food terms make me hungry eh. n everytime i call d snackhouse, i heard dis annoying caller ringtone :
because tonight will be the night
that i will fall for u..
haizz najwa, omae, aho ka?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
i'm worried sick.
there's something about me that had confused myself.
if it's true, then i've sinned. and will forever be sinned.
if i didn't admit it, i'll still be thinking about it till i get the final answer.
to choose or not to choose.
to admit or not to admit.
to be or not to be.
this is a big dilemma.
i don't want to admit it but i'm afraid it'll turn out even worse.
there's only one solution to this.
but if do that, i will still be sinned.
so the result is the same.
In the name of Allah, The Mercy giving, The Merciful.
Praise be to Allah, the Lord of universe.
The Mercy giving, The Merciful.
Ruler of the Day of Repayment.
You do we worship, You do we call on for help.
Guide us to the truth and along the right path.
The path of those whom You have favored, not with whom You are angry nor who are lost.
keep our prayer.
you are our protector.
guide us closer to a proper behavior.
and shelter us from evil.
forgive us for our sins and forgive our parents for their sins.
show us mercy.
give us something fine in this world as well as something fine in the hereafter.
and shield us from torments of hell.
it's been a while since i last talked about my daily routine.
yesterday, urm.. dunno how to describe it lor. we got chemistry presentation. the others performed very well. my group? well lets just say that we deserved what we got.
right after that we went home. and i headed straight to cimb bank in mmu. i took out 100 and i dunno why suddenly i wanna spent em all right away.bengom gile anak x bersyukur langsung aku ni kan. so i went to the kedai runcit and bought some not so important stuff that it cost me 20. then i bought nasi ayam and watermelon juice. i wasn't really hungry actually. but i bought em anyway. then when i came home, my housemate asked me if i wanted to go to alamanda to watch movie. then i asked her, who else is going? she said a, b, you and me. so i thought hey, why not? it's gonna be the four of us and we're gonna have some fun!
but here comes the problem.
just when we're about to enter the car, i heard b is talking to a guy, who apparently would be joining us. and i didn't know that.
so i thought, ok relax, maybe it's just one or two of em. so it's not that of a big deal right?
as soon as we got there, i realized that all the boys in my classroom as well as another two guys from the other classroom were there to join us. and it's too late to turn back.
ya see, i thought i could deal with this situation. i just don't know why i'm so uncomfortable if even there's just one guy joined us. and it doesn't matter who that guy is. as long as it's a GUY, then i'm not gonna be myself anymore.
it's not that i'm worried about my appearance, or it's someone that i have a crush for or anything. i just don't like it.
so that's why when they went to the pizza to eat, i decided not to join them and went for a walk instead.
and o yeah i went to mph to check out some books, instead i bought a Quran.
yes, a Quran people. this najwa bought a Quran instead of manga, anime and japanese dvd. i must have sinned a lot lately.
after that we went to the arcade. i played house of the dead with put. i've always been a fan of that game. u think i'm a freak? whatever. it' none of ur business anyway.
then we went to watch the movie. i didn't know what movie i was going to watch until it started. it's james bond : quantum of solace. and may i say, i nearly fell asleep as it's the most boring action films that i've ever watched. yeap, my dad won't be happy to hear this one. (he's a big fan of james bond)
after that we went straight home. i slept at 2 since i watched jigoku shoujo mitsuganae. (if u don't know what is that, it's an anime. jigoku shoujo means hell girl, mitsuganae means, erm, something saying that it's the third season)
and FYI, i'm currently watching 7 animes at a time.
yeap i know, anime freak.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
WARNING: IF YOU DON'T KNOW KELANTANESE, DO NOT READ THIS POST. I REPEAT, DO NOT READ THIS POST AS YOU WILL EXPERIENCE DIZZINESS, EYESORE, HEADACHE, FROWNING FACE, MADNESS AND ANYTHING RELATED TO IT.
ko syada :
weh. lamo x dgr kaba dih? guano demo sano dok bumi unto? beyeh sokmo kow? ngaji molep la dih. jange wi jadi supow aku nih. tok tau la jadi ore ko dorp. haha.. do'oh pulok bunyik dih? aku nok oyak bendo ko mu nih. dop tau r mu baco kow dop. arap2 mu baco. aku x ghajin mitok maaf nga mu. doh la aku banyok wat saloh nga mu. mu tau2 la aku ni ganow. kerah pedal cket kalo main nga kakah (amik ayat cikgu jeme..haha) goni gak. aku pehe sangat la time mu sero nga aku tu. sajo jah wat2 tok tau.hehe. taim bez maso kecek bodo2 nga mu. aku pom x pehe kecek gapo bena. wat lolok pehe jah. taim skali nga najaa besh jugok. kecuali taim mu kecek pasa haikal. hok tu jenuh skali aku nok dengar. haha..
ko ruhil :
ore pom nok mitok maaf nga ruhil. banyok etek duk ngupat. haha. brigat pulok doh! tapi gak syada masuk geng skali. hahahaha (jange maroh syada). sero b'saloh jugok bena sbb ruhil sokmo wat baek nga ore. hehe. pah ore wat tok laye. jahat gilow dih? supo x kenal ore lagu manow. meme jahat sokmore.. taim bez maso gi jale2 beli goreng pise nga air nyo, pah gi tma, pah taim kecek pasa ainuddin. haha. lucu r..
ko yana :
ni so lagi nok mitok maaf nih. hok ni spatot duk atah skali ni. mugo banyok dooh etek wat saloh. sokmo keno buli. baru ni jah keno ngenak. haha. sory r slamo ni duk wat x laye, wat bodo jah kalo yana kecek. sayo kade2 sajow wat gitu. sedak etek ngenak ore. haha. meme jahat sngoti dih? taim bez skali maso duk ngapal lagu bi nga kecek pasa hana kimi. hhaaha. muko besu gilo maso tu. lucu mbe. haha.
kutie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! windu r ko mu. haha. mu pom supo la. mitok maaf jugok. tringat maso kito duk skali maso form 3 nga form 4. lucu r mu. haha. sokmo keno maroh nga aku. tu la wat muko sedo sangat. sapo tok benge. hihi. paling tok tehe bilo taim aku maroh mu dok senyap ketok jah. spo duk sbloh rimau. hahaaha. mu sdap kali keno ngenak kat ku. x dop respon etek. hihi..
ko merah :
sifu!!!!!! nih sore ni. tapi aku sero mu hok keno mitok maaf nga aku. dop gitu eh? hehe. dop2. gurau jah. ak x tau r maso mano mu sero nga aku. mu pom supo kutie etek. x dok feeling. haha. mekasih la taim mu tolong2 aku tuh. meme aku x key lupo r. arigatou sifu!!taim bez maso gi tusyen, go jale2 pasar sena, maso klas tambahan form 3, maso baloh nga ustazah(haha..mu ganah gilow maso tu.. tabik r), pah maso duk ngupak ko nini. hahahaa.
ko pipah :
mu mesti rimas gilow dih maso duk nga aku dulu. brehi nok ngaju etek. ahha.. taim bez maso ngenak mu nga puyuk, kecek skali ngan ikhwan (aku rindu r ko dio), hias kelas taim drjah 6, kecek2, gi umoh mu, ngupat nga raidilllah. haha. lucu mbe hok tu tuh. sory r kalo aku wat saloh deh??
ko yuni :
kalo aku ado wat mu sero aku mitop maaf deh?taim drjah 6 dulu meme mu ado sero nga aku. aku tau bena la. hehe. again, aku wat bodo jah. pah naik form 4 tu kalo mu sero aku sombong tu, sory r. buke agah, aku x beso jah mugo lamo x jupo mu etek. mm.. taim bez maso skali nga pipah, maso tusyen smart reader, stay up lam study room, hehe. maso ngenak mu nga ayeh. aku doa mu bahagio la nga yo deh??? hihii..
there you go. i apologize to all my closest friends. ya happy? ;p
Sunday, November 2, 2008
some facts about me~
- i'm scared of balls. so the only sports that i can play is badminton. and i suck at it.
- i like to talk to myself. it may sounds weird, but it boosts my confidence. but of course i won't do it in front of other people..
- i liked to collect toys when i was a kid. and most of them are batman, superman, kamen rider, and power rangers. barbie? i only have one. and it's already broken in just a week.
- i used to be quite a 'tomboy'. during raya, i bought boy's shoes, the second day of raya i didn't wear baju kurung but jeans and shirt instead.
- if i were to be given a role in a play, i'd choose to be a bad guy/gangster. cuz it's fun :p
- but i won't take the role cuz i got a stage fright. bummer :(
- i fantasize things a lot. like, what would happen if i do this, do that, bla bla bla.. and of course none of them came true anyway..
- i don't like to share my problems/secrets with anyone. if i had one, i'll make sure that nobody knows it. and that includes my family as well.
- my hands will tremble if i got angry over something, hold some heavy stuff, and when i'm on stage. i wonder if it's Parkinson thing..
- i don't really like when people try to take a picture with me cuz i had to smile, for like 10 seconds and it's tiring. plus i'm not really good in smiling.
- i used to be afraid to sleep in the dark. when my sister wasn't at home, i didn't switched off the lights until morning.
- i can be really brave and a scaredy-cat at the same time. i'm brave enough to walk alone in the middle of the night, but i'm scared to go downstairs cuz it's dark.
- the only vegetables that i can eat:carrot, cabbage,mushroom and the small corn (dunno what it's called). and they must be made into a soup only.
- i'm bad at asking forgiveness and forgiving people. so sometimes i just act like nothing happened.
- i changed according to who i befriended with.
- i can't look at the person straight to their eyes when i'm talking to em. so i'll end up with my eyes looking on the wall, the ceiling, my shoes..
- i'm far from racism and i hate when people starts to blame someone's race.
- i'll cry when i watch sad movies, can't find things that i'm looking for, when i'm angry with someone, failed in test, feeling left out, blablablaba.. but i'm not a crybaby.
- the only fluffy stuff that i have : mashimaro in a graduation hat holding a scroll. and it's not fluffy at all.
- i can sit in front of the pc 24 hours nonstop if i'm watching japanese drama, j-rock concert, and of course anime.
Friday, October 24, 2008
it's holiday. well, although it's for like 3 days only. just finished ol the quizzes. ah..it feel so good. at least for a while heh. starting next week it's gonna be a hella buzy time. ow yeap, in my last post i said i won't be blogging till i'm ready to face one of my greatest fear rite? well, i guess i had overcome it although it's not that of a great achievement. but to me, it's like a magical time.. :)
the last few weeks gave me quite a rough time. i went through a lot of things, realized the truth behind all the fake and lies, and for the first time after so long i finally opened myself up to someone. it doesn't matter who's that 'someone'. what you can see from here is that i'm trying to change the way i live my life. before this, i live only to serve and satisfy people around me. and i admit that what i am today does not really come from the bottom of my heart. and after spitting it all out, i started to have a deep thought about it. i've decided that from now on, i only live just to prove to others, those who had pushed me a lot, who manipulated my life, and who drove me to a corner all the time, till i was getting insane. yeap, it's THAT WORSE..
p/s: this one is dedicated to whoever feels that he/she is offended by me :
I'M SORRY. well, nobody's perfect right? so if i had offended you, did or said something that hurt your feelings, just tell me. because if you don't tell me, then i won't know right? i won't get mad, you have my word on that. lately i felt that i had offended a lot of people. aah.. hontou ni saite ne? so come and see me, or maybe just text/write to me and tell me what i did that it hurt your feelings so much. if not, then it's going nowhere. nothing can be solved if nobody speak up. nee?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
tonight you belong to me : kokokaina feat azwar rashid
I know (I know)
You belong to somebody new
But Tonight you belong to me
Although (although) we're apart
Your part of my heart
And tonight you belong to me
Way down by the stream
How sweet it will seem
Once more just to dream
In the moonlight
My honey I know (I know)
With the dawn that you will be gone
But tonight you belong to me
Just to little old me
i don't understand why people can't appreciate such a wonderful voice. it's unique in that kind of way. yet there's some people who think they know everything about music, pitching and stuff, but reality check : their taste in music is so much worse.
so, note to everyone out there : respect people's interest as long as it doesn't concern u.
TEE-HEE! *quote this from nigahiga. ah~such a big fan.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
once again i felt the emptiness in me.aaaa...why?why?
only this time, it really IS empty. sangat buhsan di sini. for the first time i felt bored eventhough i got internet access. coz besenye kalau de internet tak kuar umah sebulan pon tak pe.
the theme for this week is STRESS. yeap. sorry evie, i told u not to stress aye? but now i'm the one yang lebey2 ;p my grades are going down menjunam like bungee jumping, but in my case it's not going up again. my biggest fear : BIOLogy.
bio.bio. why are you so DEM hard? sebenci-benci aku kat physics pon aku rase aku punye marks untuk physics is better compared to bio. dunno why this subject held a grudge on me since form 4. huhu that sounds too cruel aye? hidoi na najwa..
ok back to the topic. i haven't finished my reports and assignments yet and guess what i did the whole day? tengok one piece, bukak friendster eventhough takde update ape2, termenung, gelisah, bengang ngan flu yang tak reti2 nak sembuh, talking to myself, termenung lagi dalam toilet, talking to myself in the toilet, talking to laptop's screen, etc. etc. etc. and owh, watching acid black cherry's concert again and again and again until i memorized sumer yang die cakap, tunggu nak paham je ;p.
....my life is SO DEM EMPTY *sigh*
last night i recite yasin for my brother. hurm.. dun even wanna think bout that anymore la. so went to kedai runcit kt depan tu. ade la beli air mineral sbotol, justea XD. then i lepak2 at usual place. watched the sora. lately bintang tak de. (alah..bukan ke slalunye takde pon kan..) haish.. hati tak tenang kalau tak nampak bintang dalam satu hari. what to do? what to do? then i looked at my watch. hihi *grin*. i pressed the side button. TADAA! kuar lampu lip lap lip lap. cam disko! kalerful pulak tu..
haish... i'm SO DEM DESPERATE..
maybe i'm a woman full of sin (haha, cam laen je maksud die). perhaps that's one of the reasons why i felt so empty. *sigh*
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
not many of u know this : i was raised in a family where my father is the only one who got balls in my house. err... ok i rephrase that. again : i was raise in a family where my father is the only man in the house (now that sounds better) . i used to have a brother, but then he died in an accident when he was 9, and i was like, 7. i think? mm..yeap.. 7. i have 7 siblings including myself, and, if my onii-chan's still alive.
at that time my youngest sister wasn't born yet. so in our family, we ended up living with pairs. my mom with my dad, my eldest sister with the second sister, and my twin sisters, erm.. of course they chose to be together right? so whether i liked it or not, i have to play with my brother. sometimes i was too bored in the house when my brother went to play with his boy friends. i couldn't play soccer with them cuz i was a girl, and, who liked soccer anyway? ( i don't)
my brother was a quiet boy. he didn't talk much that i forgot his voice already. he liked to draw, inherited it from my uncle. his slippers worn out, his bag was torn but he never asked from my parents to buy a new one. games that we played at home : tumbuk-tumbuk, silat, otromen, kejar-kejar, guling atas padang, lumbe basikal, and sometimes we played masak-masak using the chain on the bicycle (although he didn't like it that much). we shared the same room together with my maid. and i remembered i used to kick him on the face that got his mouth bleeding. and i think his front tooth oso tercabut. but he didn't scold me. nor kicked me back. what a good brother he was :)
i won't forget the day when he slipped away. it was still at school, waiting for a few minutes before the bell rang. then suddenly i saw my uncle calling me, asking permissions from my teacher to take me home early. i wondered why my dad didn't fetch me, cause usually he always did. when i entered his car, i saw my eldest sister, crying. i was afraid to ask, so i just sat there quietly. when we arrived at home, i saw lotsa cars. i went straight to the door, and saw my maid came out, crying and hugging my sister. " he's gone.. Ming's gone.."
surprisingly i didn't feel anything, i couldn't cry cause i didn't feel sad. i really didn't know what had just happened. i saw my mom crying, hugged by my aunty. i went upstairs to change my clothes. then i went downstairs, and saw my brother's friend. then i cried, but only because everybody's crying. the funeral was held at my village. so we had to stay there for a week.
a few days after the funeral, only then i started to feel his loss. i felt lonely and bored cause there would be no one to play masak-masak with me anymore. to watch my back at school. to smack me on the face while we're doing the silat. to ask me some money at school although he already had them. i was so sad that i came to the point where i asked my dad, " dad, why Ming's gone? who will keep me accompany after this? who will play masak-masak with me? why did he left me?"
i missed him so much. i always thought that my life must be completely different if he's still here. in the picture of our family hung on the wall. "kalaulah Ming ade lagi, mesti hidup aku hepi, x macam skarang." i always have that kind of thought. but God knows the best, i keep reminding myself. but what i regret the most is that we rarely visit his grave. i guess because my mom couldn't accept it. last raya i went to his grave after like 6 or 7 years. only me, my twin sister, my uncle and my dad. the others didn't come. when my uncle recite the prayer, i couldn't hold back the tears. only God knows rase sebak dlm hati.
i blame myself for not visiting him after so many years. how could i do something like that. and raya this year, i also missed the chance. my father went ahead before me. i felt so mad cause he didn't tell me. so here i go again, having those stupid regret feeling. when i thought about him, i ended up crying. god, stop making Ming sad Najwa! u better go and sedekah surah yaasin to him. i said to myself.
sometimes i felt jealous to those people who have brothers. god, they are so dem lucky...
Monday, October 6, 2008
eid mubarak. i was quite happy actually since everyone balik kampong this year, unlike last year where some of us were 'missing'. and news flash, my auntie is gonna get married next raya. hurm dunno if they'll work out or not. whatever it is, i'm happy for her. ok cik su? :P
duit raya? almost 300. hihi dunno why i got so many for this year. padahal compared to last year, raye ni x de la jalan2 sangat. that 300 dikumpul on the first day of raya. amazing right? haha. but the bad news is, because aku da jadik orang kaya baru, my mom didn't give me allowance (well, only 100). sob..sob.. duit raye pon mak tak kasi taun ni.. sob..sob..
came back to kl on saturday morning. i was lucky since the traffic was quite okay at that moment. urm.. what else? ow yep. my auntie, me and ma cousins went to alamanda to watch midnight movie : KAMI THE MOVIE. erm, i didn't watch the series actually. so i was kinda lost about the whole storyline. but then it turned out that the movie was quite good. coming from malaysia. (yer knoe wut i mean aite?)
then yesterday, we went to sunway pyramid since my other auntie wanted to buy i phone. erm..pape je la. i didn't know what to buy, so i ended up just following em around. so in the end i found this dvd entitles KOIZORA the series. wii~ i've been looking for it for so long ma! yuuush! lepas tu balik ke CYBERIA YANG MEMBOSANKAN SEBAB TAK DE PAPE ni.
BENCI SEBAB TAK CUKUP CUTI!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA~
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
told ya. the list will goes on and on and on..........
- man with beard like a. samad said(but i like a.s.s. as a person himself)
- man with moustache
- man who smokes (u think u're dem cool a?baka ka omae?)
- semak (BUSH..u get wut i mean aite?)
- malaysia's celebs (coz most of em are posers)
- janet jackson (tho i like her bro..nah....)
- mawi (wait,he should be on top of d list!)
- hentai (only people who watch anime know this..haha)
- emos, preps, jocks, punkers (lame..lame..)
- anak mak(i mean, of course u r, but don't be too manja ma..so not independent aye)
- pak lah? (god, pray that i won't get sued)
- insects.... T_T
Monday, September 22, 2008
i couldn't believe that i actually did it..
yesterday i was at home with aufa. i didn't feel so well since my stomach hurt like HELL. plus my head was getting dizzy too, thinking about the chemistry report which was DEM confusing!ok enuff about that. then i decided to go to bed. suddenly there's this stupid neighbour (neighbour ka?) who lived behind our house played a REALLY REALLY DEM LOUD MUSIC.what's up with that?
at first i was okay with it since it's a slow song aite. after that, i heard a bloody crap rock music. man that's too much..
so what did i do?
i went upstairs to my bedroom and to the balcony. i waited till the song finished...SILENCE. yosh! now's the right time before he played another song.
WOI!!!!!! BISING AR!!!!!!!!
..........YUP, I YELLED. acting like i was still in boarding school where i would shout anytime, anywhere i wanted.
then, i heard someone replied :
SHUT THE F**K UP!!!!!!!!
OK. now he' pissing me off. now what?
i reached my cellphone and dialled CYBERJAYA POLICE. yup, unbelievable isn't it... well, he deserved it. 5 minutes later the police arrived. he asked me where's the house. he found it weird since he couldn't hear any loud sound. he also asked me whether it's always so noisy like that. huh...banyak tanye tol polis ni.. pegi je la umah tu..tanye aku wat pe..
then they rushed (rushed is kinda exaggerated)to that moron's house. a few minutes later, he turned off the music. YEAY!!
super duper brave? well honestly i felt kinda scared when he shouted back with the f word, thinking he might attack me or something. but then, WHO CARES?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
i had this conversation with my friend just now:
"have you ever felt empty in your life?"
"i have this kind of feeling lately."
"maybe u haven't found a real best friend yet."
when i felt the emptiness in me, i thought really hard about it. lately, i always went for a walk at midnight, searching for something that i didn't even know. i didn't care about the dangers of walking alone in the middle of the night in a place that doesn't reflect your country, since there were so many foreigners and indonesians mostly. i stopped at the playground not very far from my house, sat on the swing and stared to the sky. IT'S EMPTY. there's not even a single star appeared. i didn't know why suddenly i felt i wanna cry. but i couldn't. coz my heart was so empty that i wasn't able to express my feelings.
one of the things that i asked from God in my prayer is to have a REAL best friend. i prayed so hard that i ended up crying in the end. but now, i don't know if i still have the same courage like i used to have. it's not that i have lost faith in You. The Almighty God. but to be in this situation has made me weaker. i'm lost in a world that i put a lot of trusts, a lote of hopes and a lot of dreams. where can i finally see a star in my place? where can i find a big shady tree to put all the stress away? Ya Allah, sesungguhnya hambaMu ini sangat lemah. Aku tidak mampu melawan takdirMu. Jika inilah ketentuanMu untukku, aku terima qada' dan qadarMu.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
the title is kinda obvious. yup, I HATE YOU. YOU.
the YOU that i'm talking about here are :
- players (as in playgirl or playboy)
- a sweet talker ( sex doesn't matter)
- dishonest in making a relationship (friends, etc.)
- so stingy when it comes to studying (as if i wanna copy theirs.yeah, right..)
- men/boys (this one... not confirmed yet)
- mean girls (who likes em anyway?)
- over the limit when making jokes
- make fun of people's name, appearance, weakness, etc.
- who are so obsess with opposite sex (i'm talking about MANY of the opposite sex)
- doesn't respect me (that includes what i like, what i hate, etc.)
- look down on others
- have a fat lazy ass (means who's so lazy)
- bossing people around (as if he/she is the MAN)
- POSER (as in acting like other people.eg:celebrities, sports stars, anime characters, etc.)
- pretend like they are not listening while i'm talking to em (pekak)
- not answering my simple-small-the-pieces question (bisu)
- SELFISH (don't they have another job?)
- always apologize over and over (once is enough oredy la.3@4 times:nak kene lempang eh?)
- too noisy/big mouth (if u have that kind of talent, go to pasar to jual ikan or whatever..)
p/s : told ya, i'm quite a hater. so if you think i'm cerewet or whatever, i don't mind at all. cuz that's your right. and this is MY RIGHT to hate people.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
i got this survey from friendster. juz trying to kill times.
1.Does anyone know your password to your friendster besides yourself?
*nope. biarlah rahsia..
2. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds?
*chicken mcdeluxe..at genting. wii~
3. Are you an emotional person?
*kinda. well sometimes we need to be like that rite?
4. Do you like your name?
*even if i don't like it, i don't have the power to change it.
5. Do you believe in love at first sight?
*i guess? but neva had one. unbelievable isn't it..
6. Ever felt jealous of your friend?
*always! (haha..jelousy is taking over me...)
7. What was the last thing you did?
*watch one piece!
8. Who is right next to you?
9. Who were the last persons you ate with?
*my housemate. bukak puasa!
10. What song are you listening to right now?
*still doll (ost vampire knight). it's so creeepy!!
11. Hows the weather right now ?
*so-so i guess. but i like it :)
12. Last person who called you today?
*no one. i'm more into sms lor.
13.describe yourself in one sentence.
* anime and visual kei lover!
14. Last song you sang?
*silly god disco by the gazette. cool!
15. Do you like anyone?
*yup. all visual keis, chong wei, kamenashi. haha
16. Lost a friendship over something stupid?
*yes. and i regret it the most :(
17. Last beverage you drank?
18. Last food you ate?
*nasi ayam kicap..sedap..
19. What did you do last night?
*watch vampire knight's last episode. wut a stupid ending!
20. Faked being sick to miss school?
*always. haha. BAD GIRL.
21. What time did you wake up today?
*5 to sahur.then i slept again till 8.30.
22. Last person you talked to?
*aufa. dun remember wat it's about.
23. Last person you made fun of?
*aainaa! she deserved it. hihi~
24. What are you wearing right now?
*t-shirt and pants, as usual.
25. Are you too quiet to ask anyone out?
*nah..won't even bother bout it. plus, i got no car ma!
26. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
27.Where are you right now?
*in my room at cyberia.
28. What date and day is it?
*wednesday, 10th september 2008. nothing special happened.
29. Did you go anywhere today?
*er..cucms i guess?
30. What did you do there?
*it's a college. so what else can i do?
31. Where else are you going today?
*in my dreams. haha~
32. Are you watching TV?
*barely! got no tv here ma.
33. Are you mature or immature?
34. Are you closer to your mom or dad?
*i dunno...i guess not even one of em..
35. When was your last kiss?
*?????ish ish ish..haramm..lum kawen lagi kowt..
36. What school do you go to?
*cyberjaya university college of medical sciences
37. Whats the most annoying thing people say to you?
*whatever. yup, that annoys me like crazy.
38. Do you like music?
*o my, who doesn't?
39. Do you want to get married?
i leave it to the almighty god
Monday, September 8, 2008
ramadhan..ramadhan..well all i can say is that ramadhan this year is not that happening, or thrilling compared to last year (well, maybe it's because i ponteng on the first day lagi. haha).
as far as i can remember, the most enjoyable (enjoyable meh?) ramadhan was during high school, or to be exact, in form 5, when i was having an SPM. i missed the time where we woke up at nearly 5 for sahur. well, actually i'm not the kind of person who's into sahur :p. it's not because i malas nak bangun, but i kinda loss the appetite oredy. i can only bangun sahur at home, where i can eat home's food!
but it was the first day of ramadhan, so yeah, i would like to try one la. i woke up, then termenung a lil bit (layan mood tido!). then i went to toilet to mandi first. stood in front of the sink. stared into the mirror. then, zzzz.... (haha :p). opened my eyes again, turned on the tap. whoaa!!!!!the water was DEM COOL!! terbatal niat nak mandi. so i just brushed my teeth. there were so many people rushing ere n der, well, it's the first sahur anyway. spotted some of my tomo dachi waiting in front of the stairs with muke selebet gile.hihi.burok ar!
that was the first sahur. and the food? it was quite good, with the ayam and all that. but it's too berat for me. so i only ate like half of the rice i took (membazirnye najwa... T_T).
after that i decided not to go for sahur. until this day where i had to sit for biology paper. yup, i didn't sleep at all that night. i was so berani to stay up alone, cuz it's ramadhan! (u get what i mean oredy right?). so i spent the whole night with bio's book with me, while listening to hitz.fm until sahur. that morning, well, as expected, i felt so dizzy like i wanna passed out! hurm.. and i had to take bio paper. so, yada! cannot pass out right now.<--i said to myself, with muke bersungguh-sungguh gile. ossu!
that was for sahur. for berbuka? yup. like it much better. since the food was already prepared by the mak cik and pak cik at dewan makan, so all we have to do was wait for the azan >_<. sometimes we went to bazaar ramadhan to buy some kuih. my favourite? ondeh-ondeh and seri kaya! (seri kaya or seri muka?forgot oredy). and of course with air coconut shake, cuz my life was nothing without it. hehe.
the solat terawih was fun. i like the imam. the way he recited the God's word was really merdu, that i sometimes felt so sleepy.hehe. no lah. seriously. but since it was too hot in the mosque, so i went to pray outside, where it's a lot cooler, together with my silly little friends. hihi. i had so much fun with you guys. to be honest, sometimes i skipped the witir (i know i know, that was very rude. BAD GIRL). like i said, SOMETIMES. ok? XD. cuz i wanted to do the solat hajat. well, at that time i didn't know there was another options...
ramadhan this year, not so thrilling. we had to perform the solat terawih by ourselves, diimamkan by me, sometimes my friends. missed the suasana at masjid lor.. then we had to break the fast at restaurant. so bosan! and it seems that ramadhan this year passed by so quickly. i wonder is it because we barely have time for ourselves at home? saana.. (who knows)
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I've been tagged by QiLL. HAH!
- The age you'll be on your next birthday :
10. First name of your significant other/crush:
15. One bad habit that you have:
17: Things you'd like to do before you die:
go somewhere very quiet, leaving all my problems behind..
18. The 1st thing you'll buy if you get $1,000,000: