Friday, October 24, 2008

turning over a new leaf

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

it's holiday. well, although it's for like 3 days only. just finished ol the quizzes. feel so good. at least for a while heh. starting next week it's gonna be a hella buzy time. ow yeap, in my last post i said i won't be blogging till i'm ready to face one of my greatest fear rite? well, i guess i had overcome it although it's not that of a great achievement. but to me, it's like a magical time.. :)


the last few weeks gave me quite a rough time. i went through a lot of things, realized the truth behind all the fake and lies, and for the first time after so long i finally opened myself up to someone. it doesn't matter who's that 'someone'. what you can see from here is that i'm trying to change the way i live my life. before this, i live only to serve and satisfy people around me. and i admit that what i am today does not really come from the bottom of my heart. and after spitting it all out, i started to have a deep thought about it. i've decided that from now on, i only live just to prove to others, those who had pushed me a lot, who manipulated my life, and who drove me to a corner all the time, till i was getting insane. yeap, it's THAT WORSE..

p/s: this one is dedicated to whoever feels that he/she is offended by me :

I'M SORRY. well, nobody's perfect right? so if i had offended you, did or said something that hurt your feelings, just tell me. because if you don't tell me, then i won't know right? i won't get mad, you have my word on that. lately i felt that i had offended a lot of people. aah.. hontou ni saite ne? so come and see me, or maybe just text/write to me and tell me what i did that it hurt your feelings so much. if not, then it's going nowhere. nothing can be solved if nobody speak up. nee?

Monday, October 13, 2008

till i'm ready

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

gonna have to stop blogging for a while.

maybe for weeks.

or perhaps months.

i dunno.

till i'm ready to face one of my greatest fear.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

best colab ever

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.


tonight you belong to me : kokokaina feat azwar rashid

I know (I know)
You belong to somebody new
But Tonight you belong to me
Although (although) we're apart
Your part of my heart
And tonight you belong to me

Way down by the stream
How sweet it will seem
Once more just to dream
In the moonlight
My honey I know (I know)
With the dawn that you will be gone
But tonight you belong to me

Just to little old me

i don't understand why people can't appreciate such a wonderful voice. it's unique in that kind of way. yet there's some people who think they know everything about music, pitching and stuff, but reality check : their taste in music is so much worse.

so, note to everyone out there : respect people's interest as long as it doesn't concern u.

TEE-HEE! *quote this from nigahiga. ah~such a big fan.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

empty - part 2

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

once again i felt the emptiness in me.aaaa...why?why?

only this time, it really IS empty. sangat buhsan di sini. for the first time i felt bored eventhough i got internet access. coz besenye kalau de internet tak kuar umah sebulan pon tak pe.

the theme for this week is STRESS. yeap. sorry evie, i told u not to stress aye? but now i'm the one yang lebey2 ;p my grades are going down menjunam like bungee jumping, but in my case it's not going up again. my biggest fear : BIOLogy. why are you so DEM hard? sebenci-benci aku kat physics pon aku rase aku punye marks untuk physics is better compared to bio. dunno why this subject held a grudge on me since form 4. huhu that sounds too cruel aye? hidoi na najwa..

ok back to the topic. i haven't finished my reports and assignments yet and guess what i did the whole day? tengok one piece, bukak friendster eventhough takde update ape2, termenung, gelisah, bengang ngan flu yang tak reti2 nak sembuh, talking to myself, termenung lagi dalam toilet, talking to myself in the toilet, talking to laptop's screen, etc. etc. etc. and owh, watching acid black cherry's concert again and again and again until i memorized sumer yang die cakap, tunggu nak paham je ;p. life is SO DEM EMPTY *sigh*

last night i recite yasin for my brother. hurm.. dun even wanna think bout that anymore la. so went to kedai runcit kt depan tu. ade la beli air mineral sbotol, justea XD. then i lepak2 at usual place. watched the sora. lately bintang tak de. (alah..bukan ke slalunye takde pon kan..) haish.. hati tak tenang kalau tak nampak bintang dalam satu hari. what to do? what to do? then i looked at my watch. hihi *grin*. i pressed the side button. TADAA! kuar lampu lip lap lip lap. cam disko! kalerful pulak tu..

haish... i'm SO DEM DESPERATE..

maybe i'm a woman full of sin (haha, cam laen je maksud die). perhaps that's one of the reasons why i felt so empty. *sigh*

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

they are so dem lucky

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

not many of u know this : i was raised in a family where my father is the only one who got balls in my house. err... ok i rephrase that. again : i was raise in a family where my father is the only man in the house (now that sounds better) . i used to have a brother, but then he died in an accident when he was 9, and i was like, 7. i think? mm..yeap.. 7. i have 7 siblings including myself, and, if my onii-chan's still alive.

at that time my youngest sister wasn't born yet. so in our family, we ended up living with pairs. my mom with my dad, my eldest sister with the second sister, and my twin sisters, erm.. of course they chose to be together right? so whether i liked it or not, i have to play with my brother. sometimes i was too bored in the house when my brother went to play with his boy friends. i couldn't play soccer with them cuz i was a girl, and, who liked soccer anyway? ( i don't)

my brother was a quiet boy. he didn't talk much that i forgot his voice already. he liked to draw, inherited it from my uncle. his slippers worn out, his bag was torn but he never asked from my parents to buy a new one. games that we played at home : tumbuk-tumbuk, silat, otromen, kejar-kejar, guling atas padang, lumbe basikal, and sometimes we played masak-masak using the chain on the bicycle (although he didn't like it that much). we shared the same room together with my maid. and i remembered i used to kick him on the face that got his mouth bleeding. and i think his front tooth oso tercabut. but he didn't scold me. nor kicked me back. what a good brother he was :)

i won't forget the day when he slipped away. it was still at school, waiting for a few minutes before the bell rang. then suddenly i saw my uncle calling me, asking permissions from my teacher to take me home early. i wondered why my dad didn't fetch me, cause usually he always did. when i entered his car, i saw my eldest sister, crying. i was afraid to ask, so i just sat there quietly. when we arrived at home, i saw lotsa cars. i went straight to the door, and saw my maid came out, crying and hugging my sister. " he's gone.. Ming's gone.."

surprisingly i didn't feel anything, i couldn't cry cause i didn't feel sad. i really didn't know what had just happened. i saw my mom crying, hugged by my aunty. i went upstairs to change my clothes. then i went downstairs, and saw my brother's friend. then i cried, but only because everybody's crying. the funeral was held at my village. so we had to stay there for a week.

a few days after the funeral, only then i started to feel his loss. i felt lonely and bored cause there would be no one to play masak-masak with me anymore. to watch my back at school. to smack me on the face while we're doing the silat. to ask me some money at school although he already had them. i was so sad that i came to the point where i asked my dad, " dad, why Ming's gone? who will keep me accompany after this? who will play masak-masak with me? why did he left me?"

i missed him so much. i always thought that my life must be completely different if he's still here. in the picture of our family hung on the wall. "kalaulah Ming ade lagi, mesti hidup aku hepi, x macam skarang." i always have that kind of thought. but God knows the best, i keep reminding myself. but what i regret the most is that we rarely visit his grave. i guess because my mom couldn't accept it. last raya i went to his grave after like 6 or 7 years. only me, my twin sister, my uncle and my dad. the others didn't come. when my uncle recite the prayer, i couldn't hold back the tears. only God knows rase sebak dlm hati.

i blame myself for not visiting him after so many years. how could i do something like that. and raya this year, i also missed the chance. my father went ahead before me. i felt so mad cause he didn't tell me. so here i go again, having those stupid regret feeling. when i thought about him, i ended up crying. god, stop making Ming sad Najwa! u better go and sedekah surah yaasin to him. i said to myself.

sometimes i felt jealous to those people who have brothers. god, they are so dem lucky...

Monday, October 6, 2008

eid mubarak

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

eid mubarak. i was quite happy actually since everyone balik kampong this year, unlike last year where some of us were 'missing'. and news flash, my auntie is gonna get married next raya. hurm dunno if they'll work out or not. whatever it is, i'm happy for her. ok cik su? :P

duit raya? almost 300. hihi dunno why i got so many for this year. padahal compared to last year, raye ni x de la jalan2 sangat. that 300 dikumpul on the first day of raya. amazing right? haha. but the bad news is, because aku da jadik orang kaya baru, my mom didn't give me allowance (well, only 100). sob..sob.. duit raye pon mak tak kasi taun ni.. sob..sob..

at kampung (otoou-san side)

came back to kl on saturday morning. i was lucky since the traffic was quite okay at that moment. urm.. what else? ow yep. my auntie, me and ma cousins went to alamanda to watch midnight movie : KAMI THE MOVIE. erm, i didn't watch the series actually. so i was kinda lost about the whole storyline. but then it turned out that the movie was quite good. coming from malaysia. (yer knoe wut i mean aite?)

then yesterday, we went to sunway pyramid since my other auntie wanted to buy i phone. erm..pape je la. i didn't know what to buy, so i ended up just following em around. so in the end i found this dvd entitles KOIZORA the series. wii~ i've been looking for it for so long ma! yuuush! lepas tu balik ke CYBERIA YANG MEMBOSANKAN SEBAB TAK DE PAPE ni.

so kesimpulannye?