Friday, December 26, 2008


it's holiday people~

erm, here i am now. at home. finally. after 8 hours in that stupid bus. it's a stupid bus since i have to wait for like almost 3 hours since the bus is so old that it broke down (pebende aku ckp ni).


i don't know why i'm not that thrilled to come home. to make it clear, i'm not happy. and my sister noticed it. well, that's another problem though. maybe it's because i felt guilty to my parents. that i wasn't able to do well in the final exam. i think i flunked this time, you know. seriously. i got so many things that bother me. i even cried like 3 buckets during the night before chemistry paper. it's not really because i was stressed about the subject. well, to be honest i haven't feel so stress when it comes to exam. even though the questions are like DEM tough. but still, i didn't feel stress at all. i got another problems though. which i don't know how to solve it.

to be exact, i actually rely on people too much. i can't make up my mind. it's always other person who decides for me. because i didn't think about myself. i was afraid of other people's opinion. i'm afraid that if i made the decision by myself, then what will happen if i regret? people will start to say, " i told you so". and that's what scares the hell out of me.

i've asked so many people about this matter. i asked kak yani, yana, izzah, well, basically that's all i think. whether i should tell my parents about it or not. i know they noticed it. that there's something bothering me. but as usual, i kept it to myself. i can't even look at their face. i don't know if it's guilt, or feelings of hatred. hatred in this context is not like i hate them. it's something that i want to say to them a long time ago, but somehow i couldn't due to many reasons. that i'm afraid there's gonna be a world war. no. it's actually THE THIRD WORLD WAR. since this matter involves so many people. without they even realize it. and this will seriously affect me. physically and mentally.

the truth is, i'm a coward. i'm scared to tell them what i really feel. what i want. what i hate. why i'm being like this, so unpredictable, so secretive. if only i have enough courage, then probably someday, perhaps, things will change. i hope so, at least.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

am i that naive?

i got bio test tomorrow.

but somehow it didn't stop me to post this to my blog since i wanted to let this thing out.

i felt used by this person.

well, this is not my first time actually. i've been used many times. i don't know why it's always me. i used to be just a side kick for this old friend of mine, A. and i felt so awful that i moved out from the school. yep. i was such a loser. to just give up like that.

and then after that, i became the victim again. B pretended to be close with me just because she wanted to be friends with C. since C was quite interested in me. as a friend of course. and then when she got what she wanted, she left me.

and just when i thought it won't happen to me, ah.. there you go. again.

it's the same situation with the B and C case. this makhluk tuhan like, clinging onto me. and then started to draw a line to be apart from me as soon as this makhluk tuhan get what the makhluk tuhan wanted. well, it's not that i'm so desperate to be friend with this makhluk tuhan. but i really don't like it if this makhluk tuhan took me for granted. if u don't want to be my friend then don't do it in the first place. why bother giving me such a fake relationship?

when i think about it again, i guess i get what i deserved. what goes around comes around. am i right, yana?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

banyak cakap gile

this post will be in bm, as my mode this week is bm.
any english word will be in italic, bolded.
chentaku forever, bm.

banyak gile nak cakap..

ari tu kan, ari rabu..x de air... siut tol. gempar satu umah. nighmare. trauma tros. huhu. pastu pikir punye pikir kitorunk decide nak gi umah bella. mandi, solat, pape je la yg menggunakan air kt ctu.. bangun pagi2 gile.. x de r pagi ssgt pon. 5.30 je. gi umah dorunk. mase kuar umah, tgk jalan, mak aih seram gile. sunyiiiiii je. takut siut. smpai umah bella cam nak merompak pon ade. except kitorunk merompak gune kunci. hehe. ade free akses. pastu cam tu la seterusnye.. bile nak mandi, nak solat, gi umah die.. agak penat la nak ulang alik smata2 nak gi solat je kan..

pastu..erm.. pe lagi r.. ooo.. minggu ni agak penat sbenarnye.. well, kalo nak ikutkan tiap2 minggu pon penat..ari tu duwet ilang.. agak sedey la.. 50 free2 melayang tah ke mane.. dah le baru wat kuar dari bank.. cam nak nanges je.. (mmg da nanges pon..). pastu disebabkan rase bersalah yang amat, aku kol bapak aku..(kalo sal duwet, mesti kol bapak aku. sal len2, mak aku tmpt mengadu. cam unfair gak r aku wat camtu.. sian die..). utk mengelakkan drpd kene mara, aku wat sore ksian..hehe.. x de r.. mmg aku takut gile dowh mase tu.. sore ikhlas tu.. pastu bapak aku cakap, " x pe r, dah mende tu da ilang, nak wat caner..". huhu, sbb tu la aku kol bapak aku. kalo mak aku, agak laen r nada yg akan kuar..

pastu for the first time minggu ni x de lab report. yeay!! agak pelik gak ar xde keje. rase bebas gile. walopon mnggu depan de exam. o ye, pastu kan, aku suh mak cik aku bli tiket bas balik qlate lepas exam ni. aku suh die bli yg malam punye. senanye aku memang x sker naek bas pagi2, penat gile. lapan jam dowh. nak termuntah rasenye. tp mak aku x kasi. aku x paham senanye nape die x bagi aku naek malam. kalo sbb faktor keselamatan, nape die bagi akak aku naek bas malam? banyak kali lak tu. mak cik aku tanye, mak x mara ke nanti. aku cakap, beli je la. kalo dah beli tiket, die x kan kate pape da kot.. jahat gile kan aku.. sowie mak, x de pilihan da..

pastu lagi berita gumbira. air da ade!!!! orang tu cakap senanye bukan tangki pecah ke ape, ade orang tutup meter air.. kuang asam gile kan sape yang tutup tu.. so sbb tu la air x de, meter x jalan.. siut tul.. tipah tertipu lagi...

pastu pagi tadi umah bella wat reflection kt petrosains. aku cam nak ikut memule tu, bkn nak gi sgt petrosains tu. dah berjuta2 kali kot aku gi. bosan ya amat.aku nak melencong kt len je smentara tunggu derang kt dlm tu. tp yang x bes nye wallet berhabuk r.. fulus tarak.. so terpakse ar batalkan niat jahat nak meramun2 kt sane.. duduk lagi kt cyberia yang langsung x cyber ni..

minggu depan da final.. arap2 aku blajo sungguh2 la.. tanak r asek kene perli ngan orang tue tu je.. hangin satu badan kot.. xde keje lain agaknye.. nak hancurkan idup orang je.. jage tepi kain sndiri x ley ke? nak jugak sebok2 hal orang.. ha.. kang da x pasal2 aku mengumpat kat die ni.. wat dose agi...haizz..

skam tgh duk umah evie.. smata2 nak gune tenet.. tenet kat umah cam pe tah.. asek sewel camtu je.. agak bengang la jugak kadang2 tu.. evie da tdo.. penat agaknyew pas balik petrosains tu.. sowie evie kalo ganggu..huhu..

oo ye de agi.. ha kan aku da cakap banyak mende aku nak cakap kali ni.. tadi kul 6.30 aku kuar gi kdai dpan cyberia la bli barang cket.. pastu lepak kat park kejap.. cam bese r.. klau de masalah, ctula port aku nak melayan prasaan. aku pg tu tgk de sorang uncle india ni ngah main ngan cucu die kot..kiut gile dak tu.. aku tgk derang hepi gile men buai, pastu men kejar2, nyorok2, ngan aku skali rase hepi. ilang jap masalah aku.. pastu budak tu tetibe brenti dpan aku mase kne kejar ngan atuk die.. die tgk je kat aku. pastu aku pon snyum.. die pon tersengih kelebaran.. haha.. pastu derang blah.. pastu aku gi duk kat buai tu mlayan diri sorang2, pikir tang masalah tu.. smpai kol 7.30 aku pon balik.. sbb nyamuk dah pnoh satu badan dah..

tadi sblom dtg umah evie aku study chem.. organic compound.. pastu tetibe rase cam banyak gile tak paham.. tu la.. sblom ni miss ngajar aku mngelamun.. skam kan da x paham..haih..

skam da kul 11.30 dan aku ngah pikir nak tdo cni ke xnak..hurm..

Wednesday, December 10, 2008





'Twilight' is an action-packed, modern-day love story between a teenage girl and a vampire. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) has always been a little bit different, never caring about fitting in with the trendy girls at her Phoenix high school. When her mother re-marries and sends Bella to live with her father in the rainy little town of Forks, Washington, she doesn't expect much of anything to change. Then she meets the mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a boy unlike any she's ever met. Edward is a vampire, but he doesn't have fangs and his family is unique in that they choose not to drink human blood. Intelligent and witty, Edward sees straight into Bella's soul. Soon, they are swept up in a passionate, thrilling and unorthodox romance. To Edward, Bella is what he has waited 90 years for -- a soul mate. But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. But what will Edward and Bella do when a clan of new vampires -- James (Cam Gigandet), Laurent (Edi Gathegi) and Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) -- come to town and threaten to disrupt their way of life?

bella went for a breathtaking journey for the first time. this part is so cool.

this is when james crushed her legs. it's awfully painful.

edward tells bella that he's different. that he can read minds.

edward asking permission from bella's pop to take her to the prom

i lyke dis part! >_<
edward's trying to reveal his dark secret.

bella and edward dancing on the prom night. aww.. they're so sweet together.

the cullen's first appearance. they don't eat human's food. they just play with it.

i forgot this scene. but it's definitely sweet. :)

edward. edward. and edward.

the cullens. jasper (the blond) is so scary.
edward cullen. omg. he's effing hot!
bella. she's awfully gorgeous.

i felt like i wanna watch it again! >_<
hope there's gonna be twilight 2.
cuz the story isn't finish yet. i think?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

if only she knew

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

if only she knew
why i don't want to go there
why i felt so uncomfortable living in there
i'm suffocating, hardly breathe
not because of their tiny house
but the creatures in there
seems to threaten me
haunting me every single moment
every blink of eyes
every steps that i took

if only she knew
i'm not that strong
i'm not that patient
i'm not that kind
and i'm not that stupid
to just take in what they said
what they forced me to do

if only she knew
the struggling that i've been through
every tears that i've shed
every grudge and hatred that i kept
every feelings that i held

if only she knew
that my life had been miserable
since i was 7
barely knew how to read
how to think
and yet their selfishness
by toying people's heart
controlling people's mind
ruling people's life
is blinded by the terms of having
the same blood

if only she knew
that whenever she worries about me
i felt i was so not independent
so helpless
and so tired
i'm not that cruel to
not appreciate her feelings
but somehow she needs to
slowly let go of me

if only she knew
that i need to fly by myself
to do my own decision
and to search for something
that will create a better life for me
as i was tired of living under their shadows
blocking every single decision that i made

if only she knew
that i hate them so much
so much that i want to spill it all
what i've felt since 10 years ago

if only she knew
why i'm being like this
so different
so unpredictable
so impossible
then my life would be much better
but that's only
if only she knew

Friday, December 5, 2008

the killers

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

can't help it. even though i got 2 quizzes tomorrow, i can't help but to spent even 1 minute in front of this laptop just to say...


who thought that we did it so much better, though we've been having so many difficulties : lack of sleep, not enough practice, last minute changes, audio system problem, technical errors, forgetting scripts, etc. etc. thank you so much GOD for blessing us. everyone did a very good job. for the first time, i've never felt so relief after any performances that i've involved.



Thursday, December 4, 2008

insomniac perhaps?

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

can't sleep lor. it's oredy 1:17 am n i shud be lying on my bed rite now. tomorrow's da big day. NO. TODAY is the big day. we're gonna have our drama : THE KILLERS. god, i just hope things work out well, let it flows smoothly. this is our hard work, we've been through a lot, and i just hope what will comes out tomorrow is worth of our time. ow yeap, probably i'm going to have math quiz today. n look at wut i'm doing rite now..eish..bile la ko nak brubah ea??

i'm not going back this raya haji. waa~miss ma home oredy.. there's not much time till final exam. i have to work hard for it. i dun wanna be NATO-No Action, Talk Only. arap2 nanti tak jadik warm2 chicken's shit (hangat2 tahi ayam). haha.