if only she knew

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

if only she knew
why i don't want to go there
why i felt so uncomfortable living in there
i'm suffocating, hardly breathe
not because of their tiny house
but the creatures in there
seems to threaten me
haunting me every single moment
every blink of eyes
every steps that i took

if only she knew
i'm not that strong
i'm not that patient
i'm not that kind
and i'm not that stupid
to just take in what they said
what they forced me to do

if only she knew
the struggling that i've been through
every tears that i've shed
every grudge and hatred that i kept
every feelings that i held

if only she knew
that my life had been miserable
since i was 7
barely knew how to read
how to think
and yet their selfishness
by toying people's heart
controlling people's mind
ruling people's life
is blinded by the terms of having
the same blood

if only she knew
that whenever she worries about me
i felt i was so not independent
so helpless
and so tired
i'm not that cruel to
not appreciate her feelings
but somehow she needs to
slowly let go of me

if only she knew
that i need to fly by myself
to do my own decision
and to search for something
that will create a better life for me
as i was tired of living under their shadows
blocking every single decision that i made

if only she knew
that i hate them so much
so much that i want to spill it all
what i've felt since 10 years ago

if only she knew
why i'm being like this
so different
so unpredictable
so impossible
then my life would be much better
but that's only
if only she knew