chicken

it's holiday people~

erm, here i am now. at home. finally. after 8 hours in that stupid bus. it's a stupid bus since i have to wait for like almost 3 hours since the bus is so old that it broke down (pebende aku ckp ni).

anyway.

i don't know why i'm not that thrilled to come home. to make it clear, i'm not happy. and my sister noticed it. well, that's another problem though. maybe it's because i felt guilty to my parents. that i wasn't able to do well in the final exam. i think i flunked this time, you know. seriously. i got so many things that bother me. i even cried like 3 buckets during the night before chemistry paper. it's not really because i was stressed about the subject. well, to be honest i haven't feel so stress when it comes to exam. even though the questions are like DEM tough. but still, i didn't feel stress at all. i got another problems though. which i don't know how to solve it.

to be exact, i actually rely on people too much. i can't make up my mind. it's always other person who decides for me. because i didn't think about myself. i was afraid of other people's opinion. i'm afraid that if i made the decision by myself, then what will happen if i regret? people will start to say, " i told you so". and that's what scares the hell out of me.

i've asked so many people about this matter. i asked kak yani, yana, izzah, well, basically that's all i think. whether i should tell my parents about it or not. i know they noticed it. that there's something bothering me. but as usual, i kept it to myself. i can't even look at their face. i don't know if it's guilt, or feelings of hatred. hatred in this context is not like i hate them. it's something that i want to say to them a long time ago, but somehow i couldn't due to many reasons. that i'm afraid there's gonna be a world war. no. it's actually THE THIRD WORLD WAR. since this matter involves so many people. without they even realize it. and this will seriously affect me. physically and mentally.

the truth is, i'm a coward. i'm scared to tell them what i really feel. what i want. what i hate. why i'm being like this, so unpredictable, so secretive. if only i have enough courage, then probably someday, perhaps, things will change. i hope so, at least.