not many of u know this : i was raised in a family where my father is the only one who got balls in my house. err... ok i rephrase that. again : i was raise in a family where my father is the only man in the house (now that sounds better) . i used to have a brother, but then he died in an accident when he was 9, and i was like, 7. i think? mm..yeap.. 7. i have 7 siblings including myself, and, if my onii-chan's still alive.
at that time my youngest sister wasn't born yet. so in our family, we ended up living with pairs. my mom with my dad, my eldest sister with the second sister, and my twin sisters, erm.. of course they chose to be together right? so whether i liked it or not, i have to play with my brother. sometimes i was too bored in the house when my brother went to play with his boy friends. i couldn't play soccer with them cuz i was a girl, and, who liked soccer anyway? ( i don't)
my brother was a quiet boy. he didn't talk much that i forgot his voice already. he liked to draw, inherited it from my uncle. his slippers worn out, his bag was torn but he never asked from my parents to buy a new one. games that we played at home : tumbuk-tumbuk, silat, otromen, kejar-kejar, guling atas padang, lumbe basikal, and sometimes we played masak-masak using the chain on the bicycle (although he didn't like it that much). we shared the same room together with my maid. and i remembered i used to kick him on the face that got his mouth bleeding. and i think his front tooth oso tercabut. but he didn't scold me. nor kicked me back. what a good brother he was :)
i won't forget the day when he slipped away. it was still at school, waiting for a few minutes before the bell rang. then suddenly i saw my uncle calling me, asking permissions from my teacher to take me home early. i wondered why my dad didn't fetch me, cause usually he always did. when i entered his car, i saw my eldest sister, crying. i was afraid to ask, so i just sat there quietly. when we arrived at home, i saw lotsa cars. i went straight to the door, and saw my maid came out, crying and hugging my sister. " he's gone.. Ming's gone.."
surprisingly i didn't feel anything, i couldn't cry cause i didn't feel sad. i really didn't know what had just happened. i saw my mom crying, hugged by my aunty. i went upstairs to change my clothes. then i went downstairs, and saw my brother's friend. then i cried, but only because everybody's crying. the funeral was held at my village. so we had to stay there for a week.
a few days after the funeral, only then i started to feel his loss. i felt lonely and bored cause there would be no one to play masak-masak with me anymore. to watch my back at school. to smack me on the face while we're doing the silat. to ask me some money at school although he already had them. i was so sad that i came to the point where i asked my dad, " dad, why Ming's gone? who will keep me accompany after this? who will play masak-masak with me? why did he left me?"
i missed him so much. i always thought that my life must be completely different if he's still here. in the picture of our family hung on the wall. "kalaulah Ming ade lagi, mesti hidup aku hepi, x macam skarang." i always have that kind of thought. but God knows the best, i keep reminding myself. but what i regret the most is that we rarely visit his grave. i guess because my mom couldn't accept it. last raya i went to his grave after like 6 or 7 years. only me, my twin sister, my uncle and my dad. the others didn't come. when my uncle recite the prayer, i couldn't hold back the tears. only God knows rase sebak dlm hati.
i blame myself for not visiting him after so many years. how could i do something like that. and raya this year, i also missed the chance. my father went ahead before me. i felt so mad cause he didn't tell me. so here i go again, having those stupid regret feeling. when i thought about him, i ended up crying. god, stop making Ming sad Najwa! u better go and sedekah surah yaasin to him. i said to myself.
sometimes i felt jealous to those people who have brothers. god, they are so dem lucky...