Saturday, August 9, 2008

kids, marriage and family

assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Although i'm a feminist, (which i'm not quite sure about it) i'm no good when it comes to kid. I can be with them for like 10 minutes, and then i'll get bored. well, bored it's not the right word to describe the feeling actually (cuz it will make me look bad..haha). so in the end i have to put a fake smile, which i hate the most. just now there's a function/charity event organized by the student committee in my college. at first, when i saw the kids approaching us, i felt my eyes were watery. i don't know why. guess i was a bit touched by the kids, as they were disabled with the wheelchair and all that.

at first i was okay with them. but then again i have to put that stupid fake smile. i'm still thinking on how to overcome it. and all these things make me feel that marriage is out of reach. yup, i have this thought of not wanting to get married. y'all may disagree with me. but before that please give me some strong points that may convince me that marriage is something that i can relate to. means that....hurm... all i can say is that i refused to marriage because i'm afraid of giving full commitment to my family. i'm afraid that i'm not ready for it, that i won't be able to take care of my children, raise them properly, giving them the best of life, you know, stuff like that.

plus, i'm afraid of giving birth. HA! statement paling x ley blah. unbelievable yet indescribable. aku fobia ngan luka2, kulit terkoyak. on me of course, not on others. if not, i won't stay in cucms anymore la. gawd, i'm so traumatic towards this building-up-the-family thing (seriously, if my mom knows about this, i'll be dead already). i'm far from materialistic nor workaholic, so you can't assume that i prefer to concentrate on my work instead of my family. although i like to be alone by myself, but that doesn't mean it's FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. god, i'll bore to death already.

well, actually i think what fears me the most is that i don't want my kids to be like me. i'm not a good daughter, and my family is not like in the cheaper by the dozen nor in kimora lee simmons, where they all get along with each other. so basically i don't want my relationship with my children to be like my family, where the only thing that's missing is communication. cuz once you lost it in your family, then....well, you know what i'm talking about right..

so in the end, do i choose not to get married? i leave it to you, the Almighty God.. Amiin..

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