Saturday, August 16, 2008

i regret

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

during my high school years, i always felt like i was in prison. i couldn't do anything that i wanted. for instance, i couldn't wear any other clothes except school uniform, baju kurung and tracksuit. and those must be followed by certain dress code. i couldn't leave that prison unless during outing on saturday, which we had to take our turn with the boys. i had to eat things that only served at dewan selera. and to eat the same lauk with nasi yg agak keras and sejuk, i must say that it was quite pathetic (haha). then i had to follow the rules, which i hate the most. like, for example i needed to attend morning assembly before 7.20 am, left the hostel during prep class, and switched off the lights at 12. plus, i was not allowed to bring my cellphone, mp3 as well as magazine (what kind of life is that?:p), and the worst, NO INTERNET!!!!! i don't how i was able to survive in that kind of life. it was so depressing that i felt i want to get out of the school right away, the sooner the better.

but right now, when i was finally free from those tight-schedule, stupid rules and all that, i started to miss them. there will be no one that can order me around to do homework, go to the mosque and leave the hostel during the prep class, sure, but without all that i felt i was getting lazier day by day.i rarely have time to sit for a moment and recite the Quran like i used to do everyday during high school. i failed to manage my own time, that i thought i performed better in high school than today. i no longer can take easy on assignment as it involves my future, not like in high school where i can just copied my friend's work if i didn't know the answer, or even worse, just left it empty without answer. everyday, i need to think of what to wear, and it bothers me so much that i used to think the government should make a uniform for students in college! ( i know, y'all won't agree with it )

plus, my money is disappearing day by day. i dont even know what i'm buying that it cost me so much to burn a hole in my pocket (well, not just a hole). i have to pay the water and electrical bills, and that includes the cost for internet, and duit untuk barang dapur ( for the beras and all that ). so basically, yeah, that cost me A LOT. i felt sorry for my mom, for having such a daughter. i'm sorry if i'm burdening you mom. i'm sorry for wasting your money. i'm sorry for not being a clever student. i'm sorry for being lazy. and i'm sorry that you have to bear with my unpredictable behaviour.

and now, i regret for not enjoying myself to the fullest during high school. i regret for being mean to my friends, which have cause them to run away from me. i regret for being so selfish. i regret for risking my future over stupid vengeance. and what i regret the most, is that, i wasn't being myself. if only i could find the time machine and turn over the time, i swear to God, i'll lead my life the best that i can.


  1. Cheer up girl! After all, it's your life! Don't feel regret, there will be no difference but try to make your life better than yesterday. I am from boarding school also and I enjoyed been there for 5 years. I miss my former school but what can I do? Of coz there's nothing such as time machine :p If u feel sorry to ur mum, just as what I felt recently, try ur best in ur exam for ur mum! And we have 24 hours in a day rite? Try to spend some times for ur spiritual growth~ go! go! Chaiyok!